Manual of Lying Down – Intro

Do you sometimes have a hard time getting moving?  Me too.  I’ve crafted this Manual of Lying Down based on my own experience.

At corporate jobs in the middle of a workday I’ll ask, “Is there a nurse on staff?”  I always ask about the nurse.

“Why?”

“Because a nurse’s station has a cot and I’d like to lie down.”  These freelance jobs are at financial institutions or law firms where lying down is strongly encouraged and packs of RNs monitor staff for hints of malaise, then dispense caramels.

If you too are inclined to lounge, you could customize this formula:

Let’s say it’s a few hours before the Thanksgiving dinner you’re hosting.  The only dish 100% ready to serve is deli potato salad.

Lie on the couch, legs elevated slightly above the head, wet hair soaking through the cushions.  Buzz all the guests into your apartment building, prop the front door open and return to the sofa.  Say nothing as they let themselves in.  This will create an unusual set of conditions for your family, and they will gladly open a few bottles of wine.  When they offer you a glass, arrange one leg at an absurd, vertical angle and feign sleep.  They will vacate shortly and you may eat all the potato salad by yourself.

Professionalism:

If you prefer to sustain this resting rhythm as a lifestyle and not just as a holiday surprise, instead of finance or law consider submitting yourself to science. Allow technicians to perform full-body MRI scans for research purposes.  It’s a cozy way to earn a living.

Or accept extra work in the movies as Patient # 3 (prone on a gurney) or Soldier # 57 (grounded by an explosion).

Perhaps become an outré beekeeper and wave your can of smoke from face down on the lawn.  Bees love a laissez-faire approach to being kept and they’re super enthusiastic about indiscriminate swarming.

Exhausted yet?

Leisure:

Choose a vacation package designed to release all the tensions from your average workday.  Beach resorts are my top pick, but what I’d do first is hire a Las Vegas magician to teach me the ancient art of levitation.  Then after arranging for an ornate tip jar to be placed nearby, I’d levitate over the deep end of the pool for several minutes, and then simply drop into the water. I’d emerge from the pool having also earned a few dollars to offset vacation costs.  I’d immediately lie down, chaise-longue style.

Implement these suggestions and then let me know how they work out for you.  You’ve earned a rest.  No one understands you better than I do.

It is acceptable to re-distribute this manual to those most in need.

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