Faux Bios – New Service!

Tired of representing yourself accurately in a clean,
professional-looking bio?

add your name here

add your name here

Then tart up your Faux Bio à la Bustier!

Let me create for you a 100% phony bio, filled with the crumbs of an unlived life or the seedlings of a possible future.

Possible scenarios:

IN REAL LIFE, you’re a caring, well-adjusted veterinarian who sports a tidy ponytail and small pearl earrings.

BUT IN A CUSTOM FAUX BIO, you’re the town hussy, dragging on slim lady cigarettes, wearing capris and flinging martinis at anyone not quite handsome enough.  Or –

IN REAL LIFE, you sell travel insurance, enjoy a Disneyland vacation with the kids and endure dinner after halibut dinner with your wife’s parents.

BUT IN A CUSTOM FAUX BIO, you wear nine silver & turquoise rings, an iridescent feather necklace and ride a Harley to your job as the world’s sexiest, most leather pants-wearing talent agent.

Here’s a more level-headed before & after sample:

BEFORE:  ‘Professional’ Bio

Escuelita Hernandez is a Certified Healthy Living Expert, Coach and Motivational Speaker trained at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN) in NYC and founder of Slender Path Wellness. She works with dynamic women who want to lose weight, manage stress, eliminate sugar addictions and lead overall happier and more balanced lifestyles. Escuelita recently completed Tony Robbins’ Mastery University Curriculum and has studied under various personal development teachers in the fields of life, money and relationships mastery including Barbara deAngelis, T. Harv Eker and Alison Armstrong.

AFTER: Faux Bio courtesy of Bustier

Escuelita Hernandez lives in the Guangdong province of China and rides her bike an hour and a half – each way – to get to her factory job in Shenzhen.

Escuelita keeps her pigtails cocked at the 10 and 2 o’clock positions atop her head, wears light orange lipstick and maintains a bare midriff as part of her signature style.

Every sleeve and pant cuff in her wardrobe is 3 inches too short by choice and she wears sandals year-round.  Her only adjustment during the winter is to wear socks.

She puts a white lab coat on over her clothes as soon as she gets to work, where she pours plastic into a mold to create the “on” button for millions of Kindles.

She has pets, mostly the moths and insects that try to break into her house through the screen door.

Her main diet includes various protein powders mixed with water.  Her favorite flavor is dark pink because it tastes like a Beijing sunset.  Her favorite painter is Yue Minjun because he only does self-portraits while looking really happy.

Her best friend is Qiang.  He works across the road at the Nook factory assembling “off” buttons.  They swap protein drinks every day while seated on a bench outside during their 7 minute lunch break.

Escuelita enjoys sleeping, digs breathing and gazes at copies of Italian Vogue that her cousin manages to smuggle in to the factory.

7 thoughts on “Faux Bios – New Service!

  1. Hey there !!! Someone needs to give you a paying job as a writer. As sure as cats meow and dogs bark you are not like everybody else. ;-> Once again I love your writting.

    ~ SAS

    • What a gracious thing to say! From your lips to the Great Kitten on the Hill! Thank you Samantha.

      Oh, you mean regularly, like every day. I should say I have been paid as a writer on many occasions. I could prove it probably.

      • I have many “connections” and wondered if you could incorporate them into my resume; among them:

        1. I am truly 2 degrees separated from Kevin Bacon (or is it 3?)

        2. One of my husband’s former girlfriends is married to a retired writer for David Letterman.

        3. I am step first cousin once removed in law to the famous late novelist/journalist John Hersey.

        Can you do anything with these factoids?

        Thank you.

        Loopy Ann (think changing my name might help me land a job?)

      • Dear Ann,

        I would prefer not to call you loopy, which could undermine credibility; we’d arrive at a more evocative name, something like “Sandy Pierson” or “Distance Bartholomew.”

        1. Bustier could absolutely incorporate many loose ends into a splashy, faux bio concoction. That’s the business I’m in. It would be a pleasure.

        2. Bustier is a comedic writer and you’ve been sitting on a connection to Letterman all these years, plotting to get your own grubby little paws around him? What the hell, dude?

        3. Please send me a work-appropriate headshot of yourself, your current unadorned bio, and we’ll see what we can do to tart it up, Bustier-style. Many thanks.

  2. Dear Bustier,

    Do you also do personal ads? If I send you my serious copy, will you funk it up a bit and make me more appealing to the edgy yet stable type that I seek? In the fake bio you can say I’m into S&M as I have always wanted to try it. I am also looking for life mate.

    Thank you. Kindly let me know your fees. No price too high.

    Desperate in Brooklyn,
    Wan

    • Dear Kings County Desperado,
      My. What an unusual personage you must be, Wan.

      In short- yes, personal ads are a go. While Bustier’s slightly Germanic love of order and discipline applies only to a rigorous editing & creative process and unequivocally not to anything S&M-related, we do not discriminate based on content.

      The approach we’d take for said ad, which will cost $Eleventy ka-billion British Pound Sterling Yen Marks anywho, would be to strongly suggest that your most recent incarnation was marked by many years of imprisonment, perhaps torture, and that you are now seeking a psychological integration you can control, albeit through an overt, physical expression such as naughty spanks. Good luck with the equipment purchases, and let us know how we can be of service.

      – Qacqueline

  3. Pingback: Faux Restorations – Newest New Service! « Bustier

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